Cousin’s Revenge

“I am going to kill you,” I said to Silly Eyes the lobster down the phone.

“Well I have filled my tank with gel, so you will have a hard time doing that my friend,” replied Silly Eyes then he added “You should not have hit him that hard and don’t tell me you didn’t know he carrying his limbless, pregnant wife under his jumper.” I gripped the phone serenely and murderously then.

“If I’d have known he was carrying Sheila I probably would have stamped on his belly where she was hidden while he was unconscious on the floor. I just thought he had put on weight. Obviously now all the boys we went to school with are after me, just for the hell of it I assume, and I relish the chance to kill any of them as well as you. Goodbye,” I hung up and turned to my two cousins who had sworn to leave their whinging, moaning wives and help me take revenge on Silly Eyes who had seen the assault on deceased Arnold (killed by me) and had phoned the police when he got home using his claws. My two cousins were called Lee and Ed and they had turned up not long after the incident with a small gas stove also special machetes and sniper rifles for each of us. There is no weakness in our family.

I had wanted to hit Arnold ever since he repeatedly stole my packed lunch age ten. We had not seen each other since school and he had come up to me in the park earlier and he had looked like he was going to say something but I did not allow that to happen and just punched him in his mouth. He went down and did not get up and I checked if he was alive by checking his pulse on his neck, he wasn’t alive. I left him there and went home. I would not have been bothered but I did not want to go to prison if I could help it. Luckily there were no records in existence of where I currently lived, unless Ebay got involved, so it would probably be a while until the police turned up. I was listening to the report on the radio of the death of Arthur and his wife and foetus when just then my cousin Ed had rung and said he was with Lee and they had had reliable reports of Silly Eyes ringing the police and were coming round to help. We started laughing and I could hear Lee laughing in the background.

Silly Eyes lived alone in a glass tank in the middle of a jungle area just outside town. On the way we did not see any boys from my school that I had left eleven years ago, or police. We arrived at the style that led into the jungle area that doubled as a refuse for crocodiles. We saw a BMX track with dirt jumps leading away from the style, towards and into the jungle that became denser further ahead and there were pools of muddy water in ditches. The old wardens shed could be seen abandoned not too far ahead. There were a few crocodiles lying around but they were not all that big, but still big enough to take your leg with ease. The BMX track led into the green foliage that concealed Silly Eye’s tank and I knew that there was a river that Silly Eyes fed in, hidden away in there. We stood looking at the track and the crocodiles and decided to run up over the dirt jump on the right and past those two crocs on the right that were partially hiding in the reeds and then we should have a clear run to the old warden’s shed. We unsheathed our machetes and made a run for it. A crocodile lunged out at me from the reeds and I slashed at it doing some damage. It made a noise the likes of which I could not describe and we three started making noises like gibbons and ran weirdly and terrifically past some other crocs who might well have been be made of stone lying there in the sun.

We arrived at the large shed and went inside, it was very cluttered, dim and dusty with all sorts of items on shelves and strewn around. Lee put down his bag containing the three sniper rifles with ammo and turned to me, breathing loudly and asked

“Is there anyone else we can kill after Silly Eyes?”

“Only if we are lucky,” I replied “I know Silly keeps some gold coins under his tank and so I have been thinking that we can sneak out of the country by flying in a rented flying boat to a deserted island somewhere in Antarctic waters. The sea will be full of fish and as long as mine and Ed’s glasses don’t smash or your deactivated microchip doesn’t reactivate, we need never come back. If you want to come with that is. And if any police or boys from school get in the way, we will crush them with pleasure! But it’s probably not worth the risk to hunt them down, the police are many and we would only be able to kill so many of them before being lynched, so lets be sensible eh?”

“Yeah you’re probably right. And that island sounds mega! What about you, Ed?” said Lee

“Yeah, sounds good. Although I’d like kill my next door neighbours dog before we go, as it’s on the way to the flying boat rental place,” said Ed. I replied

“Yeah no prob by me.”

“I’m surprised you let it live this long!” said Lee. We laughed and laughed and laughed.

We decided to take a break and we let off a firework that we found on a table, in Silly’s direction to remind him we were after him and to let him know we were nearby. We also found some tins of beans and we made a fire out of old newspapers and logs that were stacked up, and had a nice relaxing snack. Lee told us again of the time he had had to look after a herd of assorted dinosaurs – In summer the dinosaurs would sit around in the sun, walled in by sheep walls. It was easy to look after them in summer because all the reptiles wanted to do was sit in the sun and they were too big to steal but there was more than one T-Rex to put off any dino rustlers anyway. In winter the dinosaurs went underground and sealed themselves away from the outside with old submarine hatches that had been welded together for them by a mammoth. Lee would arrive and go in through the hatch and then he would have to swim like Super Mario down into dim waters, through a stone archway and then up towards an underground sandy bank illuminated by candles where the dinosaurs spent the winter, half asleep. The dinosaurs would get a bit bored with no sun and so they tried to play tricks on Lee, but they were not very good at it: A Stegosaurus would pretend that he had lost his green woollen jumper or another day his brown trousers and would pretend to look for the lost item and the other dinosaurs would help, looking under rocks and digging in the sand. Lee would go along with it but eventually point out that none of the dinosaurs had ever worn clothes of any kind except their Bermuda shorts that they never took off, and then the lizards would all point at Lee and think they had tricked him. Or one time a pterodactyl had tied lead weights to Lee’s shoes while Lee was tidying the nests. Lee took his shoes off when on the sandy bank because the sand was cool and soft. Then when the time came for Lee to go home, he put his shoes back on and went into the water and as it became deep instantly he sank down to the bottom of the underground lake and started to drown. Understandably he was panicking but then a leaf eating type dinosaur swam down and held up an alluminous sign that read ‘That stuff on shoes is not lead, it is polystyrene! Ha ha ha’ and Lee floated up very relieved and shouted at the dinosaurs and when he got home he realised that he had shouted at them in reptile talk not English. The dinosaurs would lie around and the electricity behind their eyes and in their brains was flowing correctly.

We sat in silence for a long time after that and felt relaxed and outside the mosquitoes were trying to get in but the old warden had sealed up the place good and someone had nailed a mosquito net over the cracks in the rotting door. It got dark and we decided to go hunting on the outskirts of the jungle shouting threats into the night that Silly would be able to hear. We arrived back at the hut after circling the outside of the jungle, our arms covered in insect bites so we rolled around in a puddle of watery mud. All the crocodiles had hidden in their nests that stunk of corpses and we did not see them, we only smelled their nests occasionally. We had only managed to catch a couple of frogs that we planned to cook later. In the hut it smelled of parchment and there was a vat with some strange liquid that we rubbed on our arms because that is what the sign on the vat seemed to indicate we should do in the fading light of the fire. And all the bites disappeared and our skin became soft like we had used an entire Dove moisturising bar with all the satisfaction of itching the bites as well, somehow. We sat down again on chairs that were uncommonly comfortable and built up the fire. Ed told us about the time he had ridden across Russia on his scrambler motorbike and he had seen many things. These included coalmines that went into the hearts of grey mountains and functioned without any technology from the last two hundred years at least. He had gone down a mine for a day with a man of unknown descent and saw chambers far down that had altars of sacrifice and worshippers of statues that were in the forms of things not of this dimension. Later on his journey he saw rivers of ice with no road or human anyway near and he would feel calmness and on one occasion next to a frozen river, he had communicated with beings on a tiny planet that raced through the vacuum of space somewhere distant. It journeyed at high speed until one day it would discover a new star system with triple stars. And Ed had caught a salmon and eaten it raw afterwards, wandering around aimlessly temporarily a cave man, mumbling and raving at the stars above because the beings had told him hideous things that he could not now recall.

We sat again in silence and eventually dozed off and no crocodiles tried to get in and Silly Eyes the lobster awaited his doom in his tank, unable to escape because he had foolishly filled his tank with hair gel. He had given up trying to surface by now. Every time he had tried to get out, the gel had refused.

In the morning I awoke to find Lee scrambling some eggs in the embers of the fire. He told me the eggs had been left outside the shed door along with milk. It was still dark and Ed was still snoring. Eating breakfast, it took us a while to realise that the milk and eggs might indicate that the warden still worked here. Just as the three of us realised it and sat up straight, the door creaked open and curses and dusty boots could be heard scuffling into the shed behind the Chinese screen that obscured the door behind me. The warden threw the screen aside, it crashed into a table sending pots and plates everywhere and he looked at us in shadow, his boots creaked and must have been made of crocodile skin. We stared back in the gloom unaggressively and the warden could be made out crossing himself a number of times. We got up slowly and held up our hands and Ed said that we wanted no trouble. The warden threw aside his heavy coat and fumblingly picked up a wooden pipe off the side, which he filled slowly and with relish then he lit it with a match. All that could be heard was the sound of the tobacco burning and the warden drawing in the smoke – he was now looking upwards, smiling it seemed and he motioned us calmly to sit back down which we did.

We finished breakfast in silence and near darkness, offering the warden some and he accepted. We sat there drinking milk for a while and soon the warden said that he was going to go and wake the crocodiles up and Lee said that we would get going. The warden did not ask where we were going but did say not to worry about or hesitate in killing any crocodiles that might threaten us. He added that the bigger crocs lived in the heart of the jungle area that the shed was near the edge of. And he looked about oddly then I thought. The warden placed his eating tray on the floor and we then noticed in the increasing light that the warden was wearing Bermuda shorts with dinosaur pictures on. I pointed my eyes over at Ed and Lee and they were like Robert De-Niro. Then the warden got up like a black hole of misery and took down a previously unnoticed model of a flying boat with an Antarctic flag painted on off of a high shelf in shadows. He flew it around in the air like a boy making bombing and engine noises before throwing the plane against the wall and making a loud explosion sound. But then he picked it up again and carefully made it glide in to a successful landing on the shelf and he left her there as she had been. Then out of a noisy drawer he took a plastic NFL lobster clock that he hung up on a hook. Next he wound up the clock with a key that was shaped like a Barret sniper rifle – the same type of sniper rifle as that which we had three of in our bag. Ed reached down slowly to the bag. Then the lobster clock struck the hour but instead of bells or a cuckoo, the lobster started screeching horrendously and turned red. The warden turned, grinning absurdly; his eyes and eyebrows fixed with a look of upmost amusement, sunlight blaring and burning in all of a sudden through a dirty window onto his face. And he pulled out a plastic baby doll that was dressed in a frock from under his jumper and it had no limbs and had a black burned out hole in her frock and plastic belly. We got up and left, closing the rickety door behind us muffling out slightly the wardens hysterical laughs and shouts of horror and we could hear him throwing items around in a frenzy inside the shed as we walked carefully towards the jungle area ahead. “Oh God, oh God, oh tripe,” said Lee with enthusiasm.

We crept into the jungle area and noticed the air was more humid and the outside world seemed far away and it could not help Silly now I imagined. After hacking our way through the plants for a while we came to a large clearing where the river that meandered muddy through the trees and alien plants was. On the other side was Silly Eyes in his tank and I could make him out trying desperately to escape, next to his tank was an industrial sized barrel of hair gel (of the brand that everyone knows has a paralysing effect on all crocodilians.) I smiled and waved. The river was not very wide and we checked left and right for crocodiles but none appeared to be gathered here. I took out the gas stove and Ed took out his Barret rifle and took aim. He fired and the noise was tremendous and thrilling and giant otters could be seen fleeing in fright and defiance. The bullet blew to pieces the American football shaped phone that Silly had attached to the top of his tank, which Ed had been aiming at. I advanced and waded into the water shouting threats, Lee followed and Ed remained on one knee aiming down the sights adjusting them slightly. The water was strangely warm and the sun was hot and climbing behind us. Reaching the other side I approached Silly’s tank and made a tri pod out of some sticks like Ray Mears does. I hung the stove on the tri pod and looked at Silly’s eyes and they were searching silently with a hint of panic. Lighting the stove I stepped back and Lee was there nodding. We looked around and stopped in a moment of calm realisation – a thirty foot crocodile was plodding along towards Ed. We shouted a warning and Ed looked to the side but the croc suddenly sprinted the last few metres at a seemingly impossible speed. It grabbed him in massive jaws and took him into the river. Ed’s head was above the water and he was shouting and kicking at the creature, we had our machetes but our rifles were still on the opposite bank. Lee and I were advancing and Lee pointed an order and I was turning and I tipped over Silly Eye’s barrel of gel into the river. Then I followed Lee into the water and we made our way along the croc’s tail slashing at it. I stayed in the water slashing at it’s tail and body making my way towards the head where Ed was. The crocodile was wrapping its extremely wide body around and around Ed like a Python and this confused me. It seemed to be enjoying the killing and was choosing his moment to drag Ed down to drown and constrict. I kept cutting the skin but it was thick and extremely tough and I was not doing much damage, if I could reach the head I could gouge out an eye and stab into the head and kill it. On the bank Lee was now picking up Ed’s Barret but it had gotten slime in it and so he threw it down as I reached the croc’s forearm which was paddling expertly with reptile hands. But the gel was starting to take effect and I could feel the water slowing and becoming full of gel. Lee got his own rifle out of the open bag and proceeded to slam a magazine in place and take aim, but all the mechanisms were full of leaches. He reached in the open bag and took out the last rifle but it was covered in leaches, blocking the mechanisms. Behind me I could hear Silly Eyes starting to screech in pain and support for the crocodile as the gel in his tank was starting to boil. Lee jumped back into the river brandishing his blade and I turned the machete over so that I was using the serrated edged side and cut into the croc’s nose and started sawing. The croc could not really react by now and Lee grabbed and hacked. I sawed into the flesh and the edge went through a nose cavity spewing greyish slimy blood and Lee wrenched cartilage out. Ed’s head was still above the surface and he looked on encouraging us in our butchering. We cut and sawed and the crocodile’s eyes looked on primal and terrible. We cut into the skull and the brain was within which we destroyed without much ceremony. Behind me Silly was floating at the top of his tank, quite dead. The gas had run out in the stove and the gel in the tank was cooling. We released Ed as the croc started to slowly sink and we clambered out.

We took some time to clean out the rifles so that they became fully operational again and then I went to check that Silly was indeed dead, which he was. I took his now red body out of the tank and took a plastic bag and bed sheet out of his hole in the ground where he had obviously kept his stuff. I wrapped him in the sheet and put the bundle in the plastic shopping bag and tied it in a double knot. I found the gold coins hidden under his tank under a lily pad and pocketed them. I crossed the river again and put the plastic bag in the empty sniper rifle bag, which Ed put across his shoulder.

We went out the jungle the way we had entered carrying our rifles at the ready and went past the warden’ shed but did not see or hear the warden.

When we got to the style we saw a van pull up at speed fifty yards away and a gang of men get out. They could not get any closer in the van because there was one of those ramps like you see in supermarket car parks that only let you go one way. They were men I had gone to school with I recognised and there were about fifteen of them. They had seen us and our rifles and they quickly passed around clubs and swords and charged. We heard them shouting battle cries as we stood calmly taking aim and took them out one by one, sending them flying and devastated with the power of our weapons. Quickly they were all dead and I shot the vans engine block a couple of times.

“Hey! We could have used that van!” smiled Lee.

“Oh yeah!” I replied.

“Let’s get out of here!” said Ed
And so we headed off in the direction of Ed’s house where we intended to kill his neighbour’s dog.

On the way, I dumped the plastic bag containing Silly Eye’s body into a bin outside a newsagents.



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