Experiment 46728

“Oh yeah! Let me see this next bit please!” said Gareth to his Dad who was smiling over terminal twelve. Gareth’s sister added in unison with Mum

“Don‘t spill your tea!” (laughs from all four members of the Roberts family)

“ Yes – let’s concentrate with these pie charts a second,” replied Dad still smiling.

Mum, Gareth and sister Anna were on a rare visit to Dad’s laboratory after hours (This type of behaviour was frowned on by certain share holders.) But Gareth had asked nicely to see the latest work, so they had met up earlier in the reception area and had been signed in by Jean the receptionist, who was just putting her coat on to go home. They were going to go to the cinema after Dad had locked up and switched off all the lights in the lab later on.

Dad turned and said “Ok for the next step before the end of today’s procedure we need to bring the new serum type 889 sample and add it to the water bottle for the mouse in cage 135. Gareth you bring over the heart rate kit I showed you before and we can discuss what film we should see at the Cornerhouse tonight while we add the serum to mouse 7767’s fresh water. He should have finished it by the morning – 15 millilitres it is. Any film suggestions?” Dad got a fresh pipette out of the locker as hygiene was paramount. Mum and Anna were heard discussing the new horse themed films under their breath and Gaz overheard and said loudly no way, the new Terminator film was out. Dad was wondering when the Redux version of 2001: A Space Odyssey was going to be on. But he wanted to see the new Arnie film as well.

After double sterilization of the pipette and water bottle they had decided to see two films with time for a Pizza Hut in-between. £3 would be allowed for sweets out of the pick a mix at the cinema.

“Ok everyone, this is mouse 7767. I want you to listen to see if he squeaks today or not. And tell me when you imagine he raises his eyebrows as I reattach his water bottle. Then we monitor his heart rate for forty five seconds,” said Dad in a careful and soft voice, concentrating and his family was rapt, eyes wide as they knew what the experiment could mean for the world if successful.

Later on that night they arrived home all laughing and arguing about which were the best lines in the films they had seen. It had already been decided that Mum had chosen the tastiest pizza at Pizza Hut. The dog was fed his tripe and everyone went to sleep. Some of their thoughts were on the mice in the lab, intending to remind each other that they had discussed that the lab mice should be given exercise wheels. Dad had promised to bring it up in the staff meeting on Monday.

One year later:

All eyes in the dimmed audience were rapt on the stage at the Scottish Science Yearly Review. From the podium on stage came the answer to a question from an Australian scientist

“Yes I can answer that sir, the wheels were added to the cages in the lab at week 388 and energy patterns were introduced by way of magnets and with the Zurich bent wire syndrome. This increased heart rates and adrenaline at a time when the latest serum at that time was taking its twentieth course of…,” etc

Later on, yet another answer “The vital progression in week 389 was the addition of solely instrumental film soundtracks being played overnight and a certain type of pizza given as a treat on Saturday mornings. This type pizza was found to contain…,” etc.

Many further diagrams and pie charts before “And this brings us to the main point of this presentation, ahem – it has been concluded INCATAGORICALY that the Earth’s core is…” notes on the podium were ruffled and turned over “… made up of 95% cheese. Any questions please?” But the audience was in uproar, questions were suddenly being fired this way and that, all in good nature of course. Some were simply sitting in silence thinking of the implications for the world with these monumental results. Quiet shakes of heads were next to waving arms and flying papers.

And seeing that there would probably be a good few questions once the noise had settled down, mouse 7767 loosened his tie and took the opportunity to jump down from the box he was stood on and went to refill his water bottle (The water he added to his bottle contained serum type 892)

THE END

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