Idiot King Herod

The year is 25 BC and I am King Herod, master of the Sky Desert and river Taxysys and the Al Al Hal Al Hal Al Al Mountain and all that surrounds it. I became King when I was twenty-seven years of age, precisely one year ago today. Today I sit on my golden throne in my vast, mostly empty throne room wearing my jewelled crown. There is a table to one side full of cold meats, bread, fruit and books. The midday sun shines in directly above me through a skylight and I am glad of it. I know that there are the twelve peasant sister women of the village waiting in the garden courtyard for me to send someone to admit them. I am also waiting for my friend the reptilian wise creature-man to arrive at the river entrance, for I have a job for him. I will see the sisters first. They are probably sitting out there in the warm sun in the magnificent gardens and enjoying the buffet I have put out for them, so I will leave them a while to enjoy it as I go to the bathroom, taking some fruit and meat and heavy bread with me on a plate. One of my side rooms contains this private toilet and as I pass water I take big bites of foods, stuffing them in and hardly chewing before swallowing. I put down an apple core onto the shelf above the urinal with some others that are rotting. A number of flies are in there now eating the rotting fruit, I will leave them be. I watch a tiny fly as it zig zags in the air in front of me but it is too small to be of any concern. Yet it sends a bolt of clarity through my brain and I wonder if it is a boy or a girl fly. I set the plate down on the shelf as well – it has a bit of meat left on it and they can feast on that. Stupid flies.

I sit back down on my throne that is surely the comfiest chair in the world, and pick up the story I am currently reading. I read two pages and then remember the sisters. So I get up and as the room is empty of all human souls on my orders I go to the massive door myself and send a guard to gather the sisters. I go back towards my chair across the throne room with its beautifully tiled flooring. I walk slowly and with my hands behind my back, thinking. There is no way that I am going to cave in and reverse my decision that the sisters want reversing. Not for one moment will I do that. I sit down and pick up the scroll with the sisters request for an audience, reminding myself of my dislike for them if this is what they think. It states their determination to see me on the matter of the pet dog ban I had had enforced on my first day and as my first act as King after my father died of bladder disease. Since then I had heard bits and pieces of these twelve sisters, who range in age from just nineteen to forty something, and their mission to gather support and ask me to reverse the law or find some compromise. There will be none. The guards will continue to immediately search out and capture any remaining dog found within the Kingdom boundaries, indeed there is a new division of men devoted to this one task. In the first days of the ban there was much unhappiness in my town as dog owners had there pets taken (by non-lethal force if necessary) but I also like to think there were and are many who agree with me. The captured dogs are shipped of to the jungles around the continent and released en masse and left to the wilderness where only the odd hermit lives. But a few remained, I would hear the odd muffled bark some days as I strolled along the streets watching the newly formed street maintainer men crew putting down fresh hard reed to walk on and I would look across the playing fields men as work cutting the ballfoot pitches. The muffled barks came from cellars where the dogs were being kept against my orders. But they would be found and the owners would have their luxuries ration taken away for five years. They would also have to sleep in the stocks in the centre of town. Their beds would be taken from them and returned after the five years. Guards would have access to their homes and if when they made a random visit one day and the ex dog owners were found to be asleep on the floor on a straw mat, then their sentence would increase by four months.

The heavy door far away down at the other end of my room opened and twelve very determined women walked in. I stood up as the door shut slowly behind them and they stood still in a semi circle until after a few moments of looking across at each other, I motioned them to advance. I sat back down and watched smiling as the women walked towards me. They were all a pleasing sight, with dark hair and large earrings and conservative clothing. As they got near I held up a palm to stop them and asked them calmly to state what they wanted this fine peaceful day.

“We are here to ask that your unwanted policy of taking away pet dogs be reversed and for pet dogs to be searched for and rescued from the jungle wilderness they have so cruelly being taken,” this was said by the eldest of the sisters who had dark hair as long as her strong back. She was brave to call me cruel. Did she know me? I might have her husband taken to the Pyramid of Men’s Eternal Bladder Misery that had been built by my grandfather and stood across the sands of Hellal. Though I had never sent anyone there and never would. Indeed I intend to send the reptilian man to attempt to free the souls trapped and condemned there; as I too was haunted by the possibilities of reality being degraded and perverted to nothing but a single drop of urine in a bladder that is a mind of utter discomfort and torture with all normal responses to what should not be a problem in real life erased as the drop intensifies in the mind-bladder of DOOM. But that was for later. Now I must respond to this matter before me. I could feel the twelve glares on me. I said

“The world is a better place with no pet dogs.”

“How so?!” replied one of the younger ones. I replied

“The streets in past years previous to my dog law were strewn with dog dirt that one had to run the gauntlet when going from one location to the other. This is especially bad at night. Ok, I being King could be carried by gondola, but that is not always appropriate and I should not have to. … When I was at school there was a boy called Joeseph who was my friend. One day we were playing tackle ball in a sports lesson and he went over and landed in a fresh pile of dog dirt and had to be removed and whipped for his misfortune. Indeed future generations will look back with amazement at the fact that ball games were played on what is essentially a dog toilet. Don’t you agree?” I was looking at the eldest sister now. She replied, after a flash of pure anger came across her face,

“No. We do not agree. Punish those who do not pick up the dog waste on our streets certainly but do not take our beloved pets. We twelve sisters have the blessing to all be pregnant at this time. An amazing blessing for us I’m sure you will agree, and we want our children to all grow up with a hound in the house. We do not want the only dogs in our house to be as pictures on our ornamental plates.” I raised an eyebrow of sick amusement at this before she added “Do you not like dogs your Kingship?”

“I must admit I do like dogs on occasion, but their incessant barking is a disagreeable sound as well as the mess my dumb servants used to tread into my palaces and their own homes on a daily basis without apparently ever thinking it was a big deal. I have been to some of their houses and they do indeed do this. And even when picked up by the owners, the dog dirt will still leave a significant residue or molecules. Yet I congratulate you on your pregnancies. It surely is a wonder all twelve of you being pregnant at the same time. But there is no chance whatsoever of me changing my mind on the er the … dog … issue,” I said the word dog with utter revulsion. But then after a moment one of the other sisters came up with an argument on the matter so convincing that I can’t even remember it now. There was silence for half a minute as I drummed my fingers on the thrones arm rest before I stood and shouted at them “NO DOGS! GET THE HELL OUT! ANY DOGS WILL BE TAKEN AWAY! NO GODDAMN DOGS IN MY TOWN!” ordering them out with a wave of my strong arms. I watched them smiling triumphantly yet flustered to each other as they quickly left. I sat back down half enjoying the primal mood running through me. I sat there and laughed before saying “Hmmmmmm,” but I was the King and I say no dogs.

Later on I saw the reptile man and he and I drank pure ice cold water alone together on the roof in thanks to the Sun and the number 3 (and thus triangulation) and the parts at the top of our spine below the brains that dinosaurs and fish-men have alike. The water, which is feely available to everyone I rule, was sweet and non intoxicating and the reptile mans skin turned a shade of blue green as I told him of his mission. “But how shall I free them?” he asked. “You should take a piss on the singularity at the centre of the Piss Pyramid maze which has no map,” I told him.


For several months after that day I watched as the twelve sisters held gatherings in the town centre standing on boxes and shouting, and the amount of barking at night steadily increased. I would occasionally walk the streets in the daytime always on the look out. I would see people walking along taking no notice of the pavement in front of them. And I would see the sisters occasionally. Their bumps were all twelve growing seemingly at the same rate; they were by now very large and would stroke their belies too softly and scowl at me as we passed.

I was walking back to my main palace one day when I spotted ahead of me that the footpath was strewn with fallen leaves from the trees there. I did not want to pick my way through the leaves because of what might be hidden. So glancing quickly backwards to spot any horses or carriage, I crossed to the other side of the street. But when I got there, there were more leaves on that side than from where I had just crossed from.

Then one day I saw three piles of already trodden in fresh dog dirt in the space of five minutes. The game was up for the twelve sisters I told myself. I knew that people would sneak out their dogs for a walk at night and I had to increase the Dog Patrol staff two fold. They were getting steadily increasing results since the amount of captured dogs had reached a low point a few months ago. It seemed around half the population were hell bent on defying my dog law. I soon held a meeting with my security staff. I told them of my plan. They went away to prepare. I told them that I would be going with them on this particular mission.


The night came to put the plan into action. It was a full moon and as we left the palace by the river exit we heard a distant barking. There were sixty of us all wearing black clothing and I led them along back alleys in total silence at a fair pace.

We came to the sisters house in its spacious overgrown grounds and stalked up the back garden to the dog pen. My men pumped noxious gas into their hidey hole and not even a whimper was heard. But the dogs would not die and some other men in the team filled sacks with the animals. We came the back door where the sacks were piled up. All the men with me were musclebound giants and one of them stepped forward without prompting and kicked the back door in. Pandemonium. There were four husbands in the kitchen (all the sisters and their husbands lived in this one falling down building together) and they fought a good fight as they were silenced with noxious gas – they would not wake up until morning. But the house was alerted. Unfortunately for the residents we were too many and too strong and well organised. All exits were blocked and all husbands were quickly put to sleep and stored in the kitchen. All the wives were pinned down on their beds making a terrible racket. I opened my duffel bag and brought out the scalpel. The first of the wives to be aborted was one of the younger ones and she tried kicking as I sliced her open and removed the fully formed baby. I cut the cord and handed the screaming baby to one of my men who put took it down and put it on the kitchen table as planned. One of the men in my team sewed up the dog loving woman’s belly and smeared the nasty looking wound with anti septic. Thus we moved on through all twelve of them and at the end they were exhausted from grief and some pain and from screaming their lungs out. We put them to sleep the same as the husbands and I ordered my men leave and that I would see them as normal tomorrow afternoon. I stayed in the now silent house for a minute thinking of bad things. All the babies were alive and were on their backs in a row on the large kitchen table. I took out the final pieces of equipment due in this plan of action which was twelve thirteen inch nails and a claw hammer. I picked up the first foetus by the ankle and went with it to the front door, opened it and went outside. I looked around but all was silent and dark as it was just fields for several hundred yards between houses in this part of town. I turned with screaming foetus dripping at my side and hoisted it the right way up and nailed it through its chest cavity to the wooden front door, making sure the nail went through where I thought the heart should be. Then I went back inside fro the next one. I nailed that one to the outside of one of the front window frames. And so on, until the house was decorated with the twelve babies. They were still making some noise so I took out my pocket knife and went along cutting the main artery in their necks to make sure that they would die. Then I went home and back in my rooms I set the clock for sunrise.

I arose and dressed and went back to the sisters house at double march. I hid in some bushes behind an outcrop of rock and waited. Around half an hour later the first screams. Then soon some deeper shouts of confusion as the first husbands awoke. I did not have to wait long for them all to spill out in horror and see my nights work on their doors and windows. I watched with wide blue eyes as the sisters broke down weeping and wailing on the dusty ground.

I snuck away and crossed many miles of desert and hours later came to the Pyramid of Men’s Eternal Bladder Misery. This was still in the shade of the mountains and was freezing cold and absolutely bone dry. I stood thinking of my Grandfather who had built this low pyramid structure. This had been one of his punishments to his male enemies. I remembered his punishment to his female enemies now – he would have them genetically altered so that they had the head of a pig, eight tits and their fannies smelled so bad that no man could barely come within a hundred yards of them, and they would be hypnotised as the last part of their transformation so that they could think of nothing but sex and when they had it their infected fannies would chafe and sting horrendously and painful boredom would consume. Yeah that’s pretty good I thought, but probably not as bad as this damn pyramid that slopes before me with its terrible futures. I pondered the dead babies from earlier who had possibly never had urine in their bladder as they had been connected to their mothers via the belly button and had been in the safe pregnancy sleep of no bladder urine. Or is it that they would have been in a constant state of pissing in the womb?

I approached the stone structure and wondered if the reptile man had been yet. I had given no deadlines. I walked closer, and had to bend down in amazement and wonder. I walked along at a fast pace to confirm what I was seeing; Yes! at regular intervals along the sloping base of the pyramid were tiny drops of wet stone as if a single drop of piss had dripped out of a thousand men’s willies!



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