Trip To Tesco

It is 3AM in the morning and I have just been paid. I now have £43. I ring Metro taxi and say can I have a taxi at the top of Chestnut Grove but the man asks what number and I explain that my flat is round the back up some steps so I will meet the taxi at top of road but the man persists so I say “56” fully expecting the driver to get confused. Anyway I put on my T shirt that doesn’t fit with belly hanging out and the second of my only two pairs of trousers, these ones don’t smell today but do have a hole in the arse area. I leave the house, next stop the 24 hour Tesco for something for my tea!

It is raining and I am wearing too small T shirt. Twenty minutes later a taxi turns slowly onto my street and I stick my thumb out. The car stops and I have to explain for the millionth time why I am far away from 56. The car smells and the man smells. I open a window.

On the way there, there are hundreds of joyriders on the roundabout outside Matalan doing doughnuts and jumping red lights. “Kids” I say.

We get there and I say to the driver that I have to go to cash point for a fiver. The side of his Asian face looks angry but says nothing. I withdraw the cash and pay the man and say that I will see him in half an hour. He trundles off.

I get a trolley and go through the security doors past the security man who is one of the blackest men I have ever seen.

Grab three cokes and an iced tea. Finest duck and cheese rolls. BLT. Look at magazines. Look at DVDs. Buy two DVDs. Walk past the soap aisle. Grab punnet Finest British strawberries. Litre Jersey full cream milk. Tesco Finest six mini Mowbray pork pies. Finest Scotch egg twin pack. BBQ chicken drumstick pack. Cooked crispy bacon times two. Curried prawns. Tesco own brand chicken and bacon pasta pot with mustard mayo. Jar of Mayo. Tesco four soft white baps. Tesco Finest triple choc chip cookies. Grab six jam doughnuts as well on that shelf. One large bottle Prague beer, on sale, chilled. Box of Shreddies. 200 gram bag of cheese Doritos and cheese Doritos dip. Back to the dairy aisle for pack of Edam cheese and some Marmite cheeses then to freezer section for Tesco Finest chocolate ice cream (enough for a family for a weekend) and a frozen pizza. Two mozzarella veggie burgers and two Southern Fried chicken burgers and four Birds Eye potato waffles. And a Crunchie.

I go to the self serve tills and the blonde goofy, fat girl I fancy is there as always and she gives me a dirty look. I say I have a DVD that will have to be verified that I am aged fifteen. I am forty four. As she hands me it back she has to bend getting full view of belly (my belly). I pay the money and will be grossly overdrawn again for the next month. I ring a taxi and wait at the place where the taxis pick you up. The same miserable man pulls up and nothing is said at all even when I tip him a quid and get out.

I go inside and lock the door. I am pretty hungry. I go in kitchen and turn telly on. I put pizza with extra Edam cheese in oven and open everything and start eating. On the news is about a famine in the Yemen with starving children and the not so starving parents and grandparents of the starving children (tens of thousands of them, no medicine). It takes an hour and a half to eat it all and I bag up the waste and put it outside. Then I stand, out of breath at top of stairs and rush into bathroom which has hand marks all on the walls around the bog and sick on the walls and I am disgustingly sick for three minutes, bits of sausage like meats coming out and the neighbours can hear and I am sweating and a siren goes off and a car swishes by and I am a point of light. There is a tin of white paint on the landing which was left by a painter three months ago but he has still not rung me.

THE END

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